A midwife to a mother – my transition through my maternal journey
I am a midwife
I watch her bleed, weeping her loss
A perfectly formed baby she holds like a miniature doll – still and lifeless
Reality checks in – my baby growing alive within me would be this size now at 12 wks pregnant
I develop an even deeper sense of sadness for her and an overwhelming protectiveness
over my own baby's temple.
I feel it – muscle twitches
'Til now it's been their descriptions of their feelings, sensations, and the like
(flutters, butterflies, bubbles, etc)
Today, they are my own – deep and unique, yet familiar.
Confidence oozes – I trust my body & my baby
Immersed predominantly in beautiful healthy births, I have absorbed their
positive and empowering energy
- not put off - as so many have asked.
Millions around the world birth everyday – we are strong!
Home is my place,
my security, my support and encouragement to birth naturally,
without pressure, intervention, or judgement.
This sacred experience is mine to own and to share
with those I love and whom love me.
Daylight breaks, I am exhausted, still working hard
Pushing? What happened to breathing baby out?
Hours pass – it's been too long!
What's wrong? Baby isn't moving down! Is it in the wrong position?
My meddling midwifery mind invades, questioning my intuition, my journey
No! No! No!
I must birth baby
I am scared of going to the hospital and what this could mean
Determined, I discard my intrusive thoughts
“I can do this! I must do this!”
as I force my body beyond it's limits with an almighty push
I did it! I felt bubs move down
Confidence and hope return.
Yes!
Joy, Relief, Success, our baby - a boy - is born
I did it, beat the system, pushed aside fear, and took control of my internal dialogue... birthing naturally, at home,
and what's that? 10lb 6oz! (ah ha, that explains it)
In my arms – a beautiful bundle
I join the millions now as I enter motherhood
It's different – not what I had expected
a shock to be confronted with such a challenge
Breastfeeding – a breeze!
Not at all - expectations shattered
Pain, cracks, tiredness, despair, tears...lots of tears
False confidence I had, although if not for my midwifery knowledge...
...would I have perservered through this tough time???
Recollections of supporting women battling their own issues fill my mind
We are all unique, our experiences so different
Feelings of empathy for their challenges and their choices fill my heart
My perspectives have changed
I am a mother!
Published in Birthplace Magazine, June/July 2008.
Last updated 19 March 2009.